Customs Guide
Attending a Chinese funeral when you are not Chinese
You have been invited to the wake or funeral of a Chinese colleague, neighbor, or friend's parent, and you want to do the right thing. You are welcome, your presence means a great deal to the family, and the customs are easy to follow. Here is everything you need.
Before you go
- Wear dark clothing — black, navy, gray, or white. No red, and nothing bright. A suit or a plain dress is right.
- A white envelope is welcome but optional. Guests traditionally bring a modest cash gift in a plain white envelope — often about $50 to $100, an odd amount — to help with funeral costs. If you would rather not, a sympathy card, or flowers sent to the funeral home in advance, is entirely appropriate. Never use a red envelope.
- Flowers should be white or yellow — chrysanthemums or lilies — never red. Call the funeral home and we will coordinate delivery.
- Silence your phone and do not take photographs.
When you arrive
Sign the guest book near the entrance and, if you brought a white envelope, hand it to the person at the table, who will record your name. You may be given a small pin or cloth to wear during your visit. Then walk toward the altar at the front, where a large portrait of the deceased stands among flowers, candles, and incense.
At the altar
Stand in front of the portrait and bow three times from the waist. That is all that is required, and it is always appropriate. If a family member offers you incense sticks, hold them upright at chest height, bow, and place them in the urn; if you would rather not, a bow is enough. At a Christian Chinese funeral there is usually no incense, and a bow or a moment of silence is customary. If monks or a priest are chanting when you arrive, wait at the back until a pause.
Greeting the family
The family usually stands or kneels near the altar. They may bow to thank you; bow back. Keep your words brief: “I am so sorry for your loss” is exactly right. If you would like a Chinese phrase, 節哀順變 (jié āi shùn biàn) — “please restrain your grief” — is the customary one. Avoid asking how the person died. If the family invites you to stay for the service or the meal afterwards, it is a kindness to accept if you can.
When you leave
Two small customs matter here. First, do not say “goodbye” or “see you again” when leaving a funeral; a nod or “take care” is right. Second, you may be handed a small white envelope on your way out containing a coin and a sweet: this is the family's thank-you. By custom, spend the coin and eat the sweet the same day, and do not take the envelope into your home.
Things you do not need to worry about
You do not need to be Buddhist, Taoist, or religious at all to bow before the portrait — it is a gesture of respect, not of worship. You do not need to kneel. You do not need to know the chants. No one will judge a guest who is trying; if you are unsure at any moment, watch the person ahead of you or ask a member of our staff, who will be glad to guide you.
Last reviewed October 2026 by Wah On Funeral Home.
Frequently asked questions
Should I bring money to a Chinese funeral if I am not Chinese?
It is welcome but not expected. If you do, put a modest, odd-numbered amount in a plain white envelope and hand it in at the sign-in table. A card or flowers are equally appropriate.
Do I have to bow or offer incense?
A bow before the portrait is the customary gesture and is enough. Offering incense is optional; you may decline politely.
What should I not do at a Chinese funeral?
Do not wear red, do not take photographs, do not say goodbye when you leave, and do not bring the return token home. Otherwise, follow the family's lead.
Whatever your family’s traditions, we will help you honor them
And we will help your guests understand them. If you have a question about any custom, or about how to blend traditions across generations and faiths, call us. We are glad to explain.