How to pay respects at a Chinese funeral

When you arrive

Sign the guest book at the entrance and present your white envelope, if you have brought one, to the relative or staff member at the table. You may be given a mourning pin or a small piece of cloth to wear during your visit. Then move toward the altar or the front of the chapel. There is usually no need to wait for an usher; the family or our staff will show you where to go.

At the altar: bowing three times

Stand before the portrait of the deceased, feet together, hands at your sides or folded in front. Bow three times from the waist (三鞠躬), pausing briefly between each bow. Then step to the side. This is the universal gesture of respect at a Chinese funeral, and it is always enough.

Close family members may kneel and kowtow (叩首) instead of bowing. Guests are not expected to.

Offering incense (上香)

Many families invite guests to offer incense. If so, a relative or our staff will hand you one or three sticks, already lit or with a lighter nearby. Hold the incense upright at chest height with both hands, bow once or three times, and place the sticks in the urn on the altar. Do not blow on the incense to put out a flame; wave it gently instead.

At a Buddhist funeral you may instead be invited to press your palms together (合十) and bow. At a Christian funeral there is usually no incense; a bow before the portrait, or a moment of silence, is customary.

Greeting the family

After the altar, turn to the family, who usually stand or kneel nearby to receive guests. They may bow to thank you (答禮); return the bow. A few quiet words are enough: “I am so sorry for your loss,” or in Chinese 節哀順變 (jié āi shùn biàn) — “restrain your grief and accept the change” — or simply 節哀 (jié āi). Do not ask about the cause of death or the cost of the funeral.

The viewing

If the casket is open, you may approach it to pay a final respect after the altar, or you may choose not to. Both are acceptable. Do not touch the deceased or the casket, and do not take photographs of the deceased or the altar unless the family has said it is welcome.

When you leave

Custom asks guests not to say “goodbye,” “see you again,” or 再見 (zài jiàn) when leaving a funeral, because it implies meeting again at another funeral. A quiet nod to the family, or 保重 (bǎo zhòng, “take care”), is right. You may be handed a return token — a white envelope with a coin and a sweet — on your way out; use it that day rather than bringing it home.

Last reviewed October 2026 by Wah On Funeral Home.